I expect that some people, in their line of work, expect to be 'on', and perhaps even enjoy it.  Heck, I suspect some even train for it: actors, teachers, and more.  Some of us, though, never considered being 'on' as part of how we make a living, but it has happened nonetheless. 

I'm told I'm pretty good at it, this being 'on'.  Conference presentations, board presentations, facilitating meetings: all are being 'on'.   Today, I did two of those: both board presentations, one on a conference call, one face-to-face. I found the latter easier, because I can "read" a room, and sometimes get people to laugh.  Then we all relax more.  That's much tougher on a conference call!

But the toll it takes is the same either way. I end up exhausted.   Not just fatigued.  But all used up.  The least little thing, once I've left the professional setting behind, has me in tears.  I lose all sense of perspective.  It's like there's a part of me that's saying: "I've been a grownup long enough.  Now I just want to be quiet.  Go away and leave me alone."   This reaction still surprises me, and if I'm really, really busy, I can put it aside.  Temporarily. But it's still there, and it will still emerge.  Being 'on' is a taxing thing for me to do.

Why, then, I ask myself, do I continue to do it?  Why do I make a living in ways that require this? And if I am good at it, and even enjoy it while it's happening, then why is there such a counter-action from deep inside me when it's over? 

I'm hoping it's just the need for replenishment.  I find it's harder to give of myself than of my ideas and my words, and being 'on' requires giving of myself.  Perhaps that small voice that gives up maturity and balance for tears or a nap immediately after such an appearance is the part that, were an adult voice at work, would say that I've been emptied out by the experience, and now I need to refill.   Refill me.  Inside me.  The part of me that engages people when I'm 'on'.  

I'm still left pondering, though, whether this is a good thing.   Or whether my intellect has decided this is something I can do well, and make money at, and to heck with all those emotional responses.  Perhaps, like everything else in my life, it's a matter of balance.  And even as a child, I had to learn balance by practice, by trial and error.

The coming weeks are heavy on the 'on'-ness.  Perhaps booking in replenishment time in between, and after, and before, will allow me to see if I'm less exhausted.  If the exhaustion has been required to get my intellect to concede the need for replenishment.  I can see it now. Another steep learning curve up ahead. I'm fastening my seatbelt!

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