As our time gets more and more packed with more and more interesting things to do, and we face some difficult choices ahead, I am wondering if we refuse to let go of interesting things and people because we fear that they will never reappear in our lives.  I've not believed that opportunities come only once in life; in my experience, they often come two or more times in any life.  Yet, somehow, I've fallen into the trap of believing that if things and people are interesting enough, I can cram more and more of them into the limited time available to me in any day-to-day sense.  

I am contemplating the possibility that this reluctance to choose one thing over another, to replace one activity with another, stems from my inherent pessimism about life.  Rationally, I'm pretty optimistic.  Intellectually, I know that my life is  priviledged.  I know that there are always interesting people and projects.  And we are blessed with an abundance of good friends.   Yet, somehow, if we miss even one occasion, one meeting, one opportunity, we're somehow losing the project or the relationship forever. 

This line of thought has me wondering if I'm such a believer in ritual because I know that rituals ensure continuity.  If I tell people that we will drink champagne and do jigsaw puzzles on New Year's Eve, and that they're welcome to join us, year in and year out, then I need never decide what I will do on New Year's Eve.   I never face the possibility that I'll want to do something that isn't possible.   The ritual is comforting, and I believe it's a good choice for me for many reasons.   But perhaps, among those reasons is the reassurance that comes with lack of choice.

Between my life partner and I, we are engaged in a joint business, I have my own business, he is working full-time as an independent contractor for a third business, and I am a part-time student.  (Maybe. Update: they hadn't decided about the comps results on Friday; I may hear tomorrow.)  Should we grow our business, we're asking ourselves.  It's taking either too much time, or too little time, to be working out well.  But if we grow it, will we give up other projects? Will my life partner be satisfied with innovative web programming alone? Will I be happy without some serious policy work from time to time?  In other words, what will we give up?

I'm a rational person.  I have a tendency to over-intellectualize everything. Yet, intellectually, rationally, I know that if I want to do new things, or add back things I've stopped doing, then I have to make time. And making time means not doing something else.  Sleeping? Having sex? Reading msytery novels?   Which of these pleasures will go? Or will it be the dog? The husband? I know. I could stop talking to my brother.  And then there is this journal: did I need another thing to do this summer? Or now? Almost inevitably, I end up being sure there is nothing I can give up -- an inherently emotional response that denies the reality of limited time and energy and other resources.

I'll continue to ponder this reluctance to face reality, and make choices consciously intead of letting a too-busy life make the choices for me.   Sooner or later, my emotions will find their place in the equation, and then the feelings can be built into the decisions.  Until then, I'll try the idea my friend Elizabeth who was visiting this evening has implemented in her self-employed too-busy life.  She has a "get a grip day", every week or two. She uses it to do the things that are most annoying her by not being done, the things that have slipped over the previous period, the things that will become stressful pressures in the coming time period if they are not done now.  I know. It's another new thing. But I'm going to give it a shot. I could be busier and less stressed, maybe, with this one. 

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