I know I'm not the only person on earth who feels like her life is spinning out of control. Au contraire.  It's such a common occurence that it's led to its own industries: time management, meditation, personal trainers, spiritual guides, day-spas.  A whole series of people and places dedicated to helping us get out lives to stop spinning, however briefly.  A bleaker side of the same issue is alcohol and drug dependency, depression, and worse.

What makes me particularly frustrated is how few excuses I have for this state of personal affairs.  I don't have children: the number one cause of chaos, and the most worthwhile cause of living life haphazardly I can think of.  I have one pet: he's well-behaved (mostly) and requires so little attention it's scary.   I have a husband who is self-sufficient, doesn't need to be catered to.  I have paid help with housecleaning, every week.  I have a home that is basically easy to maintain.  And I'm not even a student anymore!

Yes, it's true, I'm self-employed.  I have my own business, and I'm president of one I share with two others as partners and a growing number of part-time helpers and future partners.  It's true that when one is self-employed, the boss is always in, and that's sometimes a problem.  But that doesn't feel like the issue.  It feels more like a transition question. 

How do I move from one "state" to another? Quickly, of course.  One minute I'm sound asleep.  The next -- before I've even had time to make coffee, much less drink it -- I'm chatting on ICQ with a colleague in the United Kingdom, some five hours ahead of me.  Then there are more local partners wanting, no needing some answers.  And clients.  And the obligations of my own business, which are considerable.  And then there is the home I like to maintain and putter in. And the meals I fantasize about making, and then don't.  Oh. And sleep.

Is it just trying to fit too much into too short a time? Or is not paying attention to the transitions?  I suspect it may be the latter.  If my morning started with a quiet cup of coffee and a newspaper, I bet I'd be more patient when the colleagues and partners need to rant, or ask my questions when they'd rather not hear the answer I'm going to give them.  We might all be happier if I'd start by taking time for me, instead of choosing to be instantly available.

This is manageable. If this is the source of balance, then the search isn't long or arduous.  The implementation might be hell.  And it's only a hypothesis, which may prove to be false, once experimentation has happened.  But I think it's worth a short.  And it's amazing what desparation might lead one to: morning coffee without interruptions.  I'll keep posting the results of the experiment, and the search.

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