I've said on many occasions that Canada is an unlikely country; today I acknowledge that it has the world's worst climate to live in. Why in heaven's names did anything think this would be a good place to live?

I know that climate is subjective.  Some people like 90 degrees Fahrenheit and as humid as the inside of a stock pot simmering away with dinner's soup.  And some people actually find 20 degrees below zero Fahrenheit to be invigorating.  But would anyone really choose to live in a place that offers both of those extremes in every calendar year?

Just as Canadians know that we are the second-biggest country in the world (even after the Soviet Union disintegrated into smaller nation-states), we also know that we have the second-coldest national capital in the world. (Don't ask me what the coldest is; I'd have to guess Iceland, and I don't remember the name of its capital city.)  I don't know whether we can blame global warming or just bad luck, but I'm starting to believe that we also have the hottest national capital in the world.

Okay, that's an exaggeration. I once spent time in Managua in August.  It was hotter.  But only for part of the day! Every afternoon, the skies would open for about a half-hour, and for an hour or two after that, it would be dry and temperate.  Some days, here in Ottawa, we get no rain and no respite.  Just thick, hot soup for atmosphere.

It's incredible to me that only five years ago, I was resisting the installation of portable air conditioning units in our apartment.  "Oh, no," I said; "We don't need that."  I swore there were no more than a few nights when the temperature didn't go below room temperature, making it pleasant for sleeping.  Maybe it's hormones; maybe it's reality; maybe it's the depleting ozone: I love air conditioning.  In the winter, I crack open a window, to feel the brisk air.  In summer, I crank up that machine (now version number two, located in the bedroom, to supplement the one in the living room) to maximum, and shiver under the duvet. 

So, why do I complain?  Well, I complain mostly hypothetically now.  But we do have this little three-year-old black furry dog who insists on being taken out to relieve himself at least twice a day.  Even though he's a heat magnet with all that black fur, he has so few opportunities to romp that he insists on taking every possible sniff of every blade of grass that may have been touched by another dog in the previous twelve hours. In other words, he dawdles!  That part of my day reminds me of how real my climate complaints are.

From time to time, there are debates in the House of Commons about whether we ought to approach the Turks and Caicos Islands (is that their real name?) about joining Canada.  The theory is that Canadians could then escape the winter (as so many do every year) and not cause a hemmorhage in our currency exports.  But no-one has suggested that we make a similar arrangement with a colder climate.

But wait! We do have a colder climate.  I'm told that our most recent capital city - Iqaluit, in Nunavut -- had snow a month ago, and offered visitors a dog-sled ride on the glaciers to a cookout on the ice.  So, we could go somewhere colder. And it's brighter, too -- twenty four hours of sun that isn't too hot to be out in.   Now if only we could get there for less than twice what it would cost to get to Paris and in twice as many hours as the Atlantic crossing would take.

Well, for now, I'll be comforted (and chilled) by the thought of cookouts on the glaciers.  And caribou, and polar bears, and other cold-weather animals that thrive there.  And I'll go turn up the air conditioner, and pretend I'm there.

P.S. My thanks to Dunkel for the following corrections, in addition to the ones already made above.  The coldest capital is Ulan Bator in Mongolia, and the capital of Iceland is not as cold as some warmer Canadian cities, like Halifax.  Go figure!)

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