Yesterday was a good day of preparing for comps; today was not so good.  But today was a day of learning.  I learned an important lesson. I am not a student.  I've never been a student. 

Wait.. that needs clarification.  I've been a student in the sense of being registered in some school or university for decades of my life.  More than half of my life has been spent as a registered student.  And I've been an overactive learner for all of my life, from all reports.  But the act of being a student -- of reading assigned readings, listening to lectures on those readings, and then writing closed-book exams based on them all -- is something I'm astonishingly bad at.   Always have been.  And I think I can safely say, now, at almost 50, always will be. 

Passive learning -- which is the stuff that being a student is made of -- is an oxymoron to me.  If I can't work with the ideas -- explore them, talk about them, play with them, make them do things that are useful -- then they're not going to stay with me.  Certainly, they're not planted in my brain, ready to spill out in new combinations, as required in closed-book exams.

Let's face it.  Life is not a closed-book exam.  Ever.   Even doctors having to make life-altering decisions usually have someone else they can consult with.  And they may be the exception to the rule, when that's not possible for them.  But most of us aren't doctors.  I cannot for the life of me imagine a situation in which I'd be required by circumstance to know which author made the case that without peak organizations among business groups, there can be no concertation as an industrial policy.  It might be impressive to know who said it, but would it be necessary? I think not.  At least not after this week.

And so, to abbreviate an otherwise-long rant, I say this: Life is not a closed-book exam.  And after this week, by gawd, I'll never write one again. 

There. Now I feel better.  Even if not being a good student means not passing the comps, and not getting a doctorate, I'll feel better having learned this about me.  Hell, I'm not only not a good student, I'm a slow learner! Now I'm in deep trouble! Only about 60 hours to the wire, and I'm a bad student and a slow learner.   Oh well. I'm off to bed.

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